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Any fact facing us is not as important as our attitude
toward it, for that determines our success or failure.
--Dr. Norman Vincent Peale
How Do You Get a License For Something Like This?
Have you ever been stuck near someone who needs an attitude adjustment?
I have, and all too often. And its not always that then just need to get happy. I’ve also been stuck in line at the store with the person who just can’t get their life together. You know what I’m talking about here. You’re standing there in line with your half-gallon of “I Can’t Believe Its Lactose Free Soy Milk” and the person in front of you is completely clueless.
First they present a coupon card for the wrong store. Then, when the cashier points out the error, suddenly two neurons fire in their head and they look around the store searching for proof to contest the cashier’s claim. After an extraordinary pause, and a fruitless search, they then proceed to reluctantly put their card away and begin searching for another. I swear I was once behind a guy who was trying to use a library card as the super-safer discount card at the old Super Fresh.
At this point, I’m not sure whether this person just got in after a long night of drinking, or if they are on dope. But either way, the speed limit here is 55 MPH, and this nimrod is only going 30 MPH.
Of course at the other end of the spectrum is the jerk who thinks that the world is owed to them on a silver platter. This is the personality type that I’ve referred to above as needing to get happy. We all know this person. This is the one who thinks that the whole world is out to pull a fast one on them. And the best way to stop the world from taking advantage of them it to stick it to everyone else first. You’ve seen this guy, he’s always described with words like: type-a, hyper motivated, pushy, defensive, busy, accusatory, angry, disgruntled or shrewd.
So I came up with a useful solution that I think could work for everyone. Hey listen, its pretty easy to get a license to carry a gun but I don’t think it would be prudent for everyone to go out and start shooting these people where they stand. Instead I want to get a license to carry a dart gun. You know, the kind they use to bring down rhinos when they tag them.
I had originally thought I could just bring these people down, and tag them, but I came up with a better idea. I want to have two guns. And instead of filling the darts with something that would make them sleep I want to fill the darts in one gun with something that will wake people up, and the darts in the other gun with something that will make them more pleasant. I’m thinking caffeine and Valium.
So for that person in line ahead of me trying to get a discount with their library card … “pifft!” there’s a shot of caffeine, now move it along dopey.
For that person who has spent 20 minutes arguing with the 17 year old kid at the video store just because he doesn’t want to pay the $.50 rewind charge… “pifft!” I’ll bet that charge doesn’t seem so bad now, does it?
It’s just a matter of getting licensed for it. But of course, they’ll bury me with red tape. It’s like I’ve always said, “I’m sure that I could make the world a much better place if I could just get one of those real big guns, you know, the kind with a really good scope!” But short of that if I could at least get those dart guns…
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