Updated November 18, 2004
You've Gotta be Outta Your Gourd

So I’m watching the good old Discovery Channel the other night – I just love watching the Discovery Channel. And they are talking about one of my all time favorite places – Mexico. One reason that I like Mexico so much is because they’re not all living within 10 miles of the border trying as hard as they can to look and act American. That’s right Canada, I’m on to you!

Anyhow, some archeologist is talking about these gourd-bowls which the Mayans used for religious ceremonies. Apparently they have found hundreds of these things all over Mexico, but they are always broken to some extent. For instance they have never found one with the “handle”, pictured on the side, intact. Now in case you are wondering, inside of these bowls they find that the good folks who were living at the time filled them with a wonderful concoction made of: coffee, cocoa leaves, peyote and tobacco. In case you’ve been living in a cave for the past 50 years, these ingredients are the world’s sources of: caffeine, cocaine, LSD and nicotine.

As I’m watching the archeologist on the Discovery Channel he’s all excited, because they have finally found one of these bowls with the handle intact. And do you want to guess what the Discovery Channel discovered? They discovered out that the handle wasn’t a handle at all. The little stem that came out of the side is actually a spout. More precisely it is an enema delivery spout.

This guy goes on to say that delivering drugs in this format would serve at least two purposes: it would not upset the stomach; and more importantly it would get into the bloodstream a LOT faster.

Now to me, this whole episode just makes me want to start asking questions. First of all I’m thinking to myself – do I really want to get this mix into my system that fast? You know, really, I think that I would want to ease into that buzz slowly – but then again, I’m not looking to see God either.

And then I’m wondering, how did they decide to deliver this mess as an enema? I’m guessing that at some point in time they drank it. How do you make the leap from drinking something to: “Hey, I’ve got an idea. Instead of drinking this, why don’t we just shove up our asses?” Let me tell you folks, I’ve drunk a lot of beer in my life, and I have never – not once, thought of rinsing my colon with the stuff.

And there’s another question. Picture yourself living back then. Let’s say that you had too much time on your hands; you came up with the idea and tried it on yourself in the privacy of your own home. A week later when you come down off the bender, you realize that you have just had the time of your life. Well that’s great, but I’d like to be there when you try to sell your idea to the rest of the village.

I imagine it would go something like this, “Hey Bob, if you think your morning coffee is good now, just wait until you hear this idea. Bend over!”

And then I’m wondering: how many other things they shoved up there to see if they would also work? Here, try this cactus plant; wanna score a pineapple?

I mean, come on now, would you want to go to one of these parties. You’re standing there by the hors d'oeuvre. You’ve got a taco in your hand and you’re laying down your best rap on a smoking hot senorita. Just then a big dollop of guacamole rolls out of your taco. You bend over to pick it up before it stains the rug and - whammo! Your loincloth rides up and your best friend decides to give you an attitude adjustment by shoving an enema-gourd right into the land of the rising sun.

Since apparently this is the quickest route to your high, you’re plastered before you can clench your cheeks and stand up. The taco goes flying, the senorita thinks that you and your buddies are perverts and you’re left standing there cross-eyed, slack jawed and drooling while a potent cocktail of stimulants and psychedelic drugs drips out of your bung hole.

And the guy on the Discovery Channel can’t figure out why all the handles are broken off of these things. Go figure. I encourage your feedback.

Billo

Copyright 2004, Bill O'Reilly


Printed on Recycled Web Pages

red bull and vodka, alcohol free vodka, bill oreilly, bill o'reilly, billo, rant, rants, billo rants, billo-rants, Anheuser-Busch’s ‘BE’ Takes Beer to a New Level B-to-the-E (BE), B to the E, Budweiser, high Octane beer, high-octane beer, Caffeine beer, Caffeinated beer, vitamin, ginseng, Anheuser-Busch, red bull, red-bull, Anheuser Busch, busch, bush, Caffeine , guarana, ginseng, blackberry, bill oreilly, bill o'reilly, billo, rant, rants, billo rants, billo-rants, alert drunk, stay up and get drunk all over again, raspberry and cherry, slim-line 10-ounce can, stylish graphics, no doze beer, no-doze beer, BE will contain 6.6 percent alcohol by volume, B to the E, Caffeine, Anheuser-Busch’s ‘BE’ Takes Beer to a New Level, buzz-beer, buzz beer, Caffeine beer, drew cary, drew carry, drew carey, alert drunk, bill oreilly, bill o'reilly, billo, bill oreilly, bill o'reilly, billo, email oreilly, email o'reilly, email bill oreilly, email bill o'reilly, pithy, pithy email, keep it pithy, email fox, pithy e-mail, e-mail fox, opine, wish to opine, opinion, opinionated bill oreilly, bill o'reilly, billo, bill oreilly, red bull and vodka, alcohol free vodka, bill oreilly, bill o'reilly, billo, rant, rants, billo rants, billo-rants, Anheuser-Busch’s ‘BE’ Takes Beer to a New Level B-to-the-E (BE), B to the E, Budweiser, high Octane beer, high-octane beer, Caffeine beer, Caffeinated beer, vitamin, ginseng, Anheuser-Busch, red bull, red-bull, Anheuser Busch, busch, bush, Caffeine , guarana, ginseng, blackberry, bill oreilly, bill o'reilly, billo, rant, rants, billo rants, billo-rants, alert drunk, stay up and get drunk all over again, raspberry and cherry, slim-line 10-ounce can, stylish graphics, no doze beer, no-doze beer, BE will contain 6.6 percent alcohol by volume, B to the E, Caffeine, Anheuser-Busch’s ‘BE’ Takes Beer to a New Level, buzz-beer, buzz beer, Caffeine beer, drew cary, drew carry, drew carey, alert drunk, bill oreilly, bill o'reilly, billo, bill oreilly, bill o'reilly, billo, email oreilly, email o'reilly, email bill oreilly, email bill o'reilly, pithy, pithy email, keep it pithy, email fox, pithy e-mail, e-mail fox, opine, wish to opine, opinion, opinionated bill oreilly, bill o'reilly, billo, bill oreilly, bill o'reilly, billo, email oreilly, email o'reilly, email bill oreilly, email bill o'reilly, gourd, mexican gourd, mexico, Hallucinate, Hallucinogenic, lsd, drugs, caffeine, caffiene, jolt cola, enema, mexican enema, beer hat, beer hat enema, discovery channel, coffee, cocoa leaves, peyote and tobacco, taco, bill oreilly, bill o'reilly, billo, bill oreilly, bill o'reilly, billo, email oreilly, email o'reilly, email bill oreilly, email bill o'reilly,