Who Thinks These Names Up?

Updated August 23, 2004
Better yet, who buys these cars?

So last week I’m speeding down the Atlantic City Expressway headed to the beach and I’m noticing the names of different car models. And I’m thinking to myself, “what were the car manufacturers thinking when they named some of these cars?”

Undeniably some cars will always have cool names. There are classics like: the Nova; Firebird; Mustang; Roadmaster; Prowler; Charger; Stealth; Cutlass; the X-100; and Wrangler. All of these names inspire strength, power, grit and self assurance. Confident drivers imbued with an internal drive of their own pilot cars with these names.

The people behind the wheels of these cars know that they are the drivers of the world; they might just be the captains of industry; they talk fast and swagger big. They are the people your mother warned you about. And if you are not one of them, driving one of their cars, then you’re road kill.

Which brings me back to the good old NJ Expressway and my commute to the beach. So there I am, minding my own business and motoring along in my Honda Accord (accord means “To be in agreement, unity, or harmony”) and I’m reading the names of the other car models. Now I’m not talking about the cars with commanding model names, I talking about all of the other car model names. And I’m wondering: when they were naming these things, who did they think would buy them?

I’m talking about cars with names like:

Aspire - as in, “one day I aspire to own a real car“?
Escape - escape what?
Escort - I’m not driving a real car, I’m just escorting the fellas who are
Probe - I’m not going there

Breeze - seriously, what were they thinking when they came up with this name? “We know, the car’s gonna blow, so why not just call it ‘Breeze’?”
Sunbird - I've got nothing
Esteem - if you go to the new car showroom looking to buy some esteem, then you don’t want to buy this car.

And don’t even get me started on all of the car names that aren’t even words! When did this start? We couldn’t think of a name for the car after so we made up a name that sounds like a word. These are the cars like:
Impreza - are we supposed to be imprezed?
Integra - the manufacturer has a lot of integra-ty?
Altima - the altimate in luxury?
Maxima - the maxima in luxury?

Are they just thinking that we’ll get confused? Like when everyone confused the Chevy Corvette with the Chevy Chevette; or the Fiero with the Ferrari?

I say go back to naming cars after cities. I want my Monte Carlo back! I’ll even take an Aspen in place of my Volare! Or better yet, give me a Mercury Mistress.

Billo

Copyright 2005, Bill O'Reilly


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