Soddom - When God Attacks
So I’m at church Sunday and the reading is about the destruction of the twin cities of Soddom and Gemorrah (Genisis 18 & 19). You might remember this story. One day while visiting with Abraham, his old pal, and faithful servant, Yahweh decides to mention his upcoming raining down of fire and brimstone planned for the cities. Abraham, apparently more moved by compassion than God himself begs God, "Would you still destroy the cities if you could find 50 upright and virtues men?"

Yahweh tells him, "Yes, I would spare the cities if I found 50 upright and virtues men". Now Abraham after a lifetime of haggling in the markets simply could not accept the first offer, so he quibbles with God making a number of counter offers. It turns out that either Abraham was one hell of a dealmaker or God was not yet used to negotiating. (Although this may still be true since I once successfully haggled my way down from: "If you get me out of this I’ll join the priesthood" to "if I just put an extra $10 into the basket". But now I digress.)

At any rate Abraham got Yahweh down from finding 50 good and righteous men to finding just 10. Then it seems that I recall something about, "what if you only find one?" The next chapter has two angels in Soddom talking to a fella named Lot. Apparently Lot was the one guy found to not be wanting. Sorry Abraham, the deal’s off.

So the angels scoop up Lot, his wife and two daughters; and hightail it out of the city. Apparently there was some trouble with the sons-in-laws, maybe in customs – I don’t know, but the in the end they got left behind (a little sodomy humor there).

On the way out the angels warned the family not to look back upon the burning hole in the ground that is now Soddom, lest they be smited by God himself. Well Lot’s old lady just couldn’t help herself, so God turned her into a pillar of salt for her troubles. I suppose that God could have just goosed her, but with all this sodomy going on, hey you turn your back on someone, you’re gonna get it in the ass.

Now Lot and his two daughters were afraid to hide in the next town over for unspecified reasons. Although I suspect it may have had something to do with wearing singed cloths and smelling like kerosene. Instead they took to the mountains to hide in a cave presumably until Yahweh was finished burning down Soddom and Gemorrah and scorching the earth beneath it.

Being native desert dwellers Lot and the girls understood the importance of traveling light. With that said however; they did not neglect to bring along a good sampling of wine. Now the daughters, noting their father’s age feared that his lineage would be lost whilst they lived in the caves amongst the rocks and scorpions. So they came up with a little plan to get him drunk and then have their way with him. Fortunately, they brought along enough wine to get him drunk two nights in a row. And as good luck would have it, old Lot was neither too old, nor too drunk that he couldn’t perform. Maybe it’s the lost recipe for the Manischewitz Sodomy Label.

The Bible does go on to record however that he was indeed so drunk as to not remember his daughters lying down with him and therefore was presumably not guilty of their sin. Consider that selective memory of Biblical Proportions. I’m sure that in a later chapter, Yahweh rewards his humble servant Lot with Heavenly spoils whilst casting down the demon temptress women for their abhorrent sins against both God and man.

So anyhow the upshot of all this incest and sodomy is that the two daughters gave birth to two sons/brothers. Each of the brothers in turn became great leaders and had tribes all of their own. So once again everything worked out well for the blessed men of the bible and all the women and infidels got the heavenly shaft.

I love a great story: sodomy; conspiracy; retribution; genocide; a chase scene; incest; and reconciliation. This one has it all. If it were a movie or book every church in the free world would ban it. But instead kids, if you go to church a nice man will read it to you. And the best part is that the man will tell you that it all really happened and that it’s a good story.

I hope you’ve enjoyed my abridged version of it – with editorial comments. If not let me know.

Billo