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The Legend of Eight Fingers Ted
You know I think that over time the reputation of my fellow Pirate has
been maligned. History portrays the Pirate, as a blood thirsty, heartless
rogue who would just as soon filet you as guzzle a jug of cheap rum.
Over the years we scallywags, swashbucklers and buccaneers have been unjustly
vilified, and we won’t stand for it anymore! It’s time to put an end to this
profiling; it’s downright un-American. And it’s also a good excuse to talk
about my friend, and alias, Eight Fingers Ted – the Pirate.
Now I won’t bore you with
history, or facts, or any of that other nonsensical mumbo-jumbo. Instead, I’ll just give
you my opinion. And we all know that if that’s not good enough then I’ll be
glad to rip open a fresh bag of “Who-Cares” for you. Pirates are just
misunderstood. Why, we’re just fun-loving individuals who happen to
be opportunistic. And pirate ships were actually quite disciplined vessels.
After all we’re not Klingons – we’re Pirates. There is even a published
Pirate Rules of Conduct which dictates how Pirates were expected to behave,
as well as how the loot would be split. All quite civilized really.
So about 15 years ago, when one of my nephews was still too young to know
better, I set up an adventure for him. He was all excited to go to the beach
with his new metal detector; hoping to find loose change. I had other plans for
him.
I took an old metal toolbox, two dollars worth of pennies, a wine glass, and
some gold spray paint. From these humble beginnings, and a calligraphy marker,
the legend of Eight Fingers Ted was born.
I thought my nephew would jump out of his skin when he discovered the treasure.
I know that on that day, I burned a happy, adventurous memory into his
childhood. And now even though he is 15 years older, I’m sure that he still
has that treasure chest, and all of the treasure.
Over the years I’ve hosted this adventure for a number of kids; but ever since
my first son was born I’ve been itching to do it for my own family. Two weeks
ago was the date.
First I started with a brand new treasure chest, and
filled it to the top with costume jewelry, and coins from around the world.
Then I created the treasure map. I then put the map into an old wine bottle
that happened to be shaped like a fish. Next I spent the spring and summer
talking about pirates, and digging for treasure.
Then came the day. With the kids distracted for a moment while they rode their
boogie boards, I quickly dug two holes – one for the bottle/map
and one for the treasure.
My 4 year old, came along and asked me if we could
dig for treasure. He knows that I always say yes, so we began immediately.
After only a few shovels, my 6 year old came along and noticed
the corner of the bottle. Amid squeals of delight, we pulled the bottle out
and a small crowd of kids gathered around.
Well as far as my 4 year old was concerned, he had found his treasure. He
would have been happy if we went home right then. He wouldn't let go of
either the map or the bottle. After some convincing he gave
me the map so that I could figure out where the treasure was.
By the time we swaggered to the spot where the
treasure was buried, (and
no I didn’t mark it with an "X"), we had an even larger crowd. And when I
indicated where to dig, the crowd went crazy. My 6 year old, Will, was right in the
thick of it, all the while my 4 year old, Jack, stood by like the job foreman -
holding the map in one hand and presumably verifying my coordinates. Once again,
the crowd had doubled.
So when the treasure was finally excavated, the crowd went nuts. Immediately
the amount of treasure in the chest was depleted by one
third as everyone reached for a souvenir. My 4 year old grabbed a handful and
brought it to my wife as a gift. Meanwhile, my 6 year old, was
unknowingly doing a Mr. T impression. He had four gold chains around his
neck, and rings on every finger.
And now they have been carrying that treasure chest around with
them everywhere they go. Now I just wonder what I'll have to do
next year to
beat this adventure.
Thanks for visiting and reading. Feel free to add to the
guestbook.
And don't forget to visit my close personal friends Cap'n Slappy and Ol' Chumbucket at the
Talk Like A Pirate
website. These guys are close personal friends of
Dave Barry's. So that makes
me and Dave Barry... well I don't know... I guess Dave Barry has no idea who I
am.
Billo
AKA Eight Fingers Ted
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