Save the Rainforests - August 24, 2002
So the other night I’m talking to my neighbor who mentions that she worked for
GreenPeace over the
summer. As I am a wannabe hippie and a would-be vegetarian
I felt as though we now had a shared kinship.
In this newly discovered vein of camaraderie, I asked, “So then I suppose that
like me, you are against animal testing too?” She agreed, and I took that as
an opportunity to share my views about animal
testing. If she was offended it didn’t show. So I took that as a
challenge. I said, “I’m also against all of this rampant
deforestation. Don’t you hate the fact that they are destroying the
rainforests?”
Of course she agreed. Then I said, “And they’re digging holes all over the
world draining out the oil – which by the way is a non-renewable fuel source.”
Of course we were both in full agreement. So then I decided to propose another
of my ingeniously clever solutions. “Well since we can’t stop them from doing
either of these things why not make the best of the losing situation?”
“How?” she asked quite innocently.
“Well crude oil is the result of plant an animal matter compressed in the earth
for millions of years. So, after they pump out all of the oil, we should just
hook up wood chippers at the openings to the holes, and chip the rainforests
into them. That way in a million years, it will be oil again. Problem fixed!”
At this point I think I still had her. And she may have been taking me
seriously when she said, “Well what about all of the animals?”
“Throw them in along with the wood... hey, there goes another silverback gorilla,
there goes a Bengal tiger, see you later alligator. They’re all good. They’ll
all make good fuel later.”
I wasn’t sure if she was going to cry or slap me. I suppose either one would
have been a fair reaction. The bottom line is, I couldn’t tell if she agreed
with me, and thought it was a good idea, or if she decided that I should be
locked up before I infect my children with my strange
ideas.
The final thing she said before she threw me out was, “I’m going to call my
friends at GreenPeace
and tell them all about your ideas”. So I’m thinking
that maybe I won her over and she’s going to make the suggestion.
Of course you know if they decide to go ahead with this it will be another idea
stolen from me... and I probably won’t get any credit.
- Billo
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More Random Thoughts
Updated July 17, 2002
Damn Plants!
So my wife goes to the Garden Center and buys an $18 flowering plant. Now
this plant is in a pot, specifically designed for this plant. It is being
nourished with a complex mixture of soil, and fertilizer scientifically proven
to maximize the growing potential of this particular species of plant.
The plant comes with documentation in the form of a small plastic tab, which
describes for you the optimal watering schedule and the best location for the
plant in terms of the amount of sunlight that it needs.
Basically, this flowering plant has every possible advantage that any plant
could ask for. We set these plants up in their appropriate locations; water
them according to schedule; fertilize them when indicated; and even remove
dead or dying branches and leaves before they become a drain on the plant.
And in spite of all of this care, the one time my wife goes out of town and I
forget to water them, every last plant dies before I get home from work. And
if that wasn’t bad enough can someone please tell me how 10 grains of
road-grit, and one drop of bird crap can sustain a dandelion in a crack in the
middle of my driveway through a heat wave during one of the worst droughts in
Philadelphia history! Where is the justice.
Disposable Toilet
So at lunch the other day we had this great idea for the disposable toilet.
The idea was to carve the entire bowl out of a solid piece of salt. That way
with each flush; along with getting rid of waste; you melt away a small amount
of salt thereby leaving a fresh, clean bowl.
Once you’ve worn away enough salt, that you can no longer use the bowl, you
just break it up; sprinkle it over your vegetables or something; and put on a
new bowl. You never have to clean it, and you always have a fresh clean bowl.
The idea is flawless!
An alternative idea we had was to create the toilet out of a solid block of
chlorine. Same basic principle, except that when you are done, you just throw
the remainder into your neighbor’s pool. Imagine his delight when you let him
know that there is no need to shock his pool with chlorine. “Hey Nick, don’t
worry about shocking your pool. I already took care of it for you… I’ve
thrown my old toilet in there. That ought to shock it. No need to thank me
Nick, that’s what good neighbors are all about.”
